My fellow Americans, what’s more American than a little PHONE time? Saint Barack Obama and former Presibubba Bill Clinton talked for about half an hour cell-to-cell and Barack says it was, "a terrific conversation" – and they had an ever BETTER time making fun of Hillary’s fat ass. Then the conversation took an uncomfortable turn when Bill asked Barack, "Hey, kin ya speak in a high-pitched voice and ask me what Ah’m wearin’?" Hillary Ramrod’m still huggin’, smootchin and embracing Obama when they’re together. Hey you two get a room. As if Obama’s sheeple would let Barack go ANYWHERE with Obama where’s there’s no witnesses. Hillary says her affection and respect for Obama is genuine. And years form now, my friends, used car salesmen will study those tapes in advanced training lessons.

Speaking of gettin’ some strange … turns out that CBS News reporterette Lara Logan is a ho’. An angry Texas housewife says Lara has been boot-knockin’ with her husband while he’s working in Iraq AND at the same time, she’s boinking CNN’s Michael Ware. Lara has the word DEMOCRACY tattooed on one ankle and FREEDOM tattooed on the other. I guess you could say she just doing her part to spread Freedom and Democracy across Iraq. And hey Lara; you think you’re in danger in Iraq? You just ticked off a Texas housewife – good luck.

Speaking of spending time on your back … Bill gates is now officially retired from Microsoft. He says he’s the third richest man on the planet, so there’s no reason to work a full time gig anymore. Oh bill – you know the old saying; Those who do not study Ed McMahon are doomed to repeat him.

Speaking of sitting around rolling a fatty … a pro-marijuana group wants to legalize pot smoking in Denver’s International Airport. Well, it IS the MILE HIGH CITY, is it not?

Speaking of high on something … the numbers are in; in the summertime, Americans consume 818 hot dogs per minute. And that’s just at Rosie O’Donut’s house. Okay I know, she doesn’t DO hot dogs – whatever; I don’t wanna think about it.

And athletes are using VIAGRA as a performance-enhancing drug. This could spell DISASTER in track and field. Think what could happen in the relay race while passing the baton. Pole vaulting … hammer throw …?