02 September 2010
02 September 2010
My fellow Americans, what’s more American than hoozyer daddy hoozyer daddy? President Obama says he cannot walk around all day with his birth certificate plastered to his forehead. Especially since the ink’s not dry on it yet. Obama’s popularity is at an all-time low. Even 4 out of 5 KENYANS now deny he was born there – “We don’t know him. Barack WHO?” Meanwhile the White House has ordered the State Department to report ARIZONA to the U.N. Human Rights Commission. This is President Obama’s way of telling Hillary Ramrod’m that if illegal aliens kill HIS career, she’s going down, too. On the other hand, if Hillary DOES go down, former Presibubba Bill will be SINGLE again and his golf game will improve.
Speaking of swingin’ the links … a golfer in the not-so-great State of Kalifornicate hit a rock, which caused a spark, which dang near burned down the golf course. This is the most destructive golf swing since Elin took a divot out of Tiger’s head. Meanwhile Tiger moved into a swanky apartment in Manhattan. Now when a woman is chasing him with a club, he can hop a cab and get away.
Speaking of getaways … Senator John Why The Long Face Kerry is one of the richest men in Congress, having increased his wealth by $20 million last year. He’s so rich that instead of fighting taxes on his boat in Massachusetts, he’s going to BUY Massachusetts. The top 50 members of Congress are worth a combined $1.5 BILLION. So despite the economic downturn, it’s nice to see that constituents can STILL come up with lots of BRIBE MONEY.
Speaking of bribes … Paris Hilton DENIES the cocaine found in the purse she was holding. She says she BORROWED that purse. Some people call that shoplifting, but hey. She didn’t help herself when she said, “Besides, like, this is my POT purse.” In a related story Lindsey Lohan says she wants her career back. I dunno; is it possible to turn the clock back to when she was 13?
And the California legislature was unable to pass a state-wide BAN on plastic bags. The bill was killed when someone pointed out this would make it more difficult to cover Nancy Pelosi’s face.